#Obi-Wan angst

[rexismycopilot]

A crying anakin is cathartic but a crying obiwan is heartbreaking 🥺

BIG AGREE

Anakin crying releases a lot of pent up emotions

Obi-Wan crying just makes me want to cry more 😭

something about seeing the one usually so in control just losing it is shattering.

[dameronology]

asystole {obi-wan kenobi x reader}

summary: ‘the trouble is the way you stick, to any part of me that remains in tact/but if i pull the plug, it isn’t only me i’m holding back’ - asystole, hayley williams (a.k.a ‘the one where you’re the bane of obi-wan’s life, even as a force ghost’) 

warnings: mentions of death, swearing, angst, and me not having a single fucking clue how force ghosts work 

this was originally based on a random idea i had and also encouragement from kara/@hellotherekenobi who requested a prompt that i completely forgot to include but...we move. also, i would highly highly recommend listening to the above song just because it’s a real tear jerker and i lOVE it 

enjoy 

- jazz 

Loss, for Obi-Wan, was not a stranger. It was an old acquaintance, constantly lingering beside him -- not quite there, but not gone either. He could always feel its presence, a constant and painful reminder of everyone he’d lost. He could probably count them all one hand but that didn’t make it any better. Loss was loss, whether it were two people or ten. Even if his grief had stopped and started with the passing of his master all those years ago, it was still something he felt in its wholeness and in its entirety. Because that’s all Obi-Wan could do: feel. It was everything or nothing. Zero percent or one hundred.

And with you, he wished it were nothing. He wished that your sudden absence from his life was something he didn’t have to feel in every fibre of his being. It was hard enough to acknowledge and even more painful to comprehend. You were the one person he’d always just assumed would be there forever. How foolish it now seemed, he was very much aware. Everybody died -- Qui-Gon Jinn was a testament to that; as was Satine Kryze and quite literally every other person in the galaxy who’d had the pleasure of being reminded of their mortality. It was just that this was...it was you. You weren’t immortal by any means but maker, you had acted like it. The way you went about life with an air of recklessness and discontent for the rules, making even the hardest of missions into an adventure. His life had been a thousand times better since you’d come running - nay, stumbling - into it. You’d blown his entire world to bits and pieced it back together with tiny, intricate bits of yours. Filled it with chaos and laughter and a light he hadn’t felt since the days of his youth. 

Perhaps most importantly, you’d looked after one another. He would stay by your side 24/7 to make sure you kept your head screwed on your shoulders, and you would pester him to drink water and remember to eat. He would remind you when you had important missions and meetings, and in return, you’d proof-read his paper work. He remembered the first time he’d fallen asleep beside you, to wake up with a blanket wrapped around him and his boots pulled off. It was so clear in his head because it was the first time someone had ever done anything for him without asking. It became something you did often, and though he never said it, it was something he kept so close to his heart. 

Obi-Wan wasn’t a fool. He knew you weren’t going to be around forever - he just didn’t realise that not forever was going to be a whole lot sooner that he’d anticipated. He used to make jokes about how your recklessness would one day lead to your demise. The idea of it made him feel sick now. He’d been right the entire time. He didn’t want it to be real.

None of it felt real. The whole conversation he’d had with Mace Windu about you not making it felt like a distant nightmare, something he’d tried so hard to wake up from, only to find that he was wide awake the entire fucking time. Night terrors were bad, but reality was arguably worse. 

It didn’t feel right at first, to see your chambers still filled with your stuff and your lightsaber still resting on your nightstand. Obi had been the one to put it there when you’d been taken to the infirmary, thinking you would have asked for it when you woke up - but you didn’t. It went hand-in-hand with the robes he’d hung up on your door and the get well soon, moron card he’d brought you. 

Then, they emptied your room. Took your clothes and your books and every other worldly possession you had. Your name was removed from the door to your quarters and added to the list of Jedi who had died in combat on the stone in the Temple gardens. Aside from that, any sign that you had ever walked the halls or burst into council meetings at the last minute was gone. You lived on only in his memories, your lopsided smile ingrained into his mind and contagious laugh echoing constantly in his brain. 

Throwing himself into work was the only option for Obi-Wan. He already took on a thousand things at once, but without you to help bare the weight, it became a million. If he was busy, he didn’t have time to think -- about you, or how fucking fragile everything was, or about all the ways he could have saved you. You’d slipped through his fingers, even when he’d be holding on so tightly. It wasn’t his fault. It was just...life. 

A few weeks passed, and Obi-Wan continued to push himself. Everybody noticed it -- how suddenly busy he was, how quiet he’d become, how tired he looks. Blue eyes had grown exhausted with grief and regret, strawberry blonde hair becoming longer and unrulier than was characteristic for him. When you’d died, you’d taken a tiny piece of him with you. An important part. Maybe that part had been you. 

It was on a cold Tuesday evening that he heard the four words. Sat out on the balcony of his quarters, watching Coruscant and life pass by in a blur ahead of him, a tangle of traffic and noise and a million sounds that he couldn’t quite decipher. The sky was a navy blue, cast with the tiny little glints and dots of distant planets. All worlds that you’d once promised to explore 

‘You look like shit.’  

He thought he’d imagined it at first. In fact, it wouldn’t have been the first time in the last few weeks that the sound of your voice in his head had felt clear enough to be real. Imagining things - hallucinations and echoes of the long gone - was simply part of the grieving process. A process he’d gone through countless times before. 

 The sudden appearance of you in the corner of his eye jolted him like an electric shock. Perhaps not that far off of the emotional equivalent of being hit by a bus. Or a light freighter. Or...all of those things at once. 

You were ethereal. When he’d last seen you, you’d been...tired. Now, you were smiling and radiating some sort of energy that could only be described as quintessentially you. There was not a chance in hell that a grief-induced hallucination could be so life-like, so crystal clear. Plus, why would he have imagined you like this, slightly transparent and with a blue glow surrounding you? A fitting colour for your final form, he figured. 

‘Shocked to see me?’ Your drawl continued. ‘Because if you think you’re shocked, let me tell you. One second I was napping and the next I was a fucking Force ghost. Could you imagine?’

Obi-Wan smiled softly. ‘I don’t think I could.’

‘I can float through walls, though.’ You grinned. ‘How cool is that?’

‘It’s...that’s very cool.’ He replied. ‘I don’t suppose you can hug Force ghosts?’

Obi-Wan reached his palm out towards you - slowly but surely, as though he were scared you were going to fade away all over again if he touched you. You mimicked his actions, faded blue fingertips just moments away from his. When they finally touched, they didn’t. You felt nothing. He felt a rush of cold, as though somebody had poured a bucket of cold water over him.

He didn’t fully understand the concept of Force ghosts. Studied them, sure. Understood them? Not quite. There weren’t enough Jedi texts in the galaxy to fully capture the complexity of what made somebody come back. Often, they were linked to acts of heroism, or stemming from action taken when the person was still alive. That didn’t seem like you though. You weren’t the sort of person to try to fiddle with jinxes and hijinkery that would allow you to come back once you were dead - at least not purposefully. There was certainly every chance you did it accidentally. 

 ‘Guess not.’ You murmured. ‘Sorry ‘bout that.’

The icy feeling only grew closer as you took a seat beside him. It was funny, because he thought that if he’d had the chance to reunite with you, that it would have been more emotional than this. Something filled with more feeling and grandeur. Instead, you’d just appeared, and acted as though you’d never been gone in the first place. Obi-Wan preferred it that way. 

‘I’ve missed you.’ He continued to stare blankly ahead. 

When you died, there were a thousand things he’d come up with that he’d wished he’d said. They ranged from comments about the weather to grand declarations of...how much you meant to him. All things he would never dare say to your face, and that’s probably why he came up with them. Because he would never get the chance to say them. And now, here you were, right beside him, and he had a second opportunity to get that closure -- but the words didn’t quite come. They stayed on the tip of his tongue, there, but not quite there. Even if this wasn’t quite the version of you that he imagined himself telling them to, it was still undeniably you. 

‘I should hope so.’ You tried to nudge him with your elbow, but it was just another icy jab. ‘I would say that I missed you too, but I don’t know where I’ve been.’

‘What happened between then and now?’ Obi asked. ‘Between that and this?’

‘Okay, first of all - you can say my death. Coming up with a thousand other words for it won’t undo it.’ You said. ‘And...I don’t know. I just remember blaster fire, then some darkness, and then I was here.’

‘Did it hurt?’

‘Well it didn’t tickle.’ You replied ‘It was quick, if that’s any comfort.’

‘I suppose it is.’ He murmured. 

‘You’re being uncharacteristically quiet.’ You observed. ‘I can go away if you want. I’m not sure how this whole thing works but if you want me to leave, I can go and scare Dex-’

‘- that’s the last thing I want.’ He cut you off. ‘I just..I’ve spent the last few weeks trying not to acknowledge that you’re truly gone and it’s a little hard to do that when you’re quite literally a ghost.’

‘I’m not really gone though, am I?’ You said. ‘I’m still here. Not as I’d like to be, but I’m here.’

‘So as long as you’re around to irritate me and make snide comments, you’re here.’ He smiled. ‘Whether that’s in the flesh or...in the blue.’

‘I’m sorry it happened.’ You gently sighed. ‘Not sorry that I died for the greater good but sorry it was so..sudden.’

‘It’s not your fault.’ He wanted to reach across, to take your hand in his or run it down your arm - but he couldn’t. He couldn’t deal with another rush of cold in place of what used to be warm flesh. ‘It was still undeniably your most half-witted decision to date but you saved a lot of people, so I won’t hold it against you.’

‘Oh, how kind.’ You snorted. ‘I bet you’ve secretly enjoyed the peace and quiet, Kenobi.’

‘I miss it already.’

-- 

Obi-Wan woke up the next morning, still on the balcony. The air was cold -- as evidenced by his violent shivers -- and the sky had changed from navy, to a turquoise-tainted pink. The city below was moderately quiet, signalling that it was still pretty early. The only sounds were coming from traffic in the distance and the occasional whoosh of a passing jet in the sky above. He stayed like that for a moment, azure eyes clouded with some kind of apprehension as he watched the clouds slowly pass, not a care in the world for the fact it was fucking freezing. 

Last night had been real, even if there was no sign of your presence. Actually, that wasn’t quite true -- the robes he’d discarded before your appearance had been thrown over him like a blanket. They did little to protect him from the cold air, but it was a confirmation that you had been there. He wasn’t sure when you’d left - or how - but he was the only one on the balcony. 

There were a lot of questions floating about in his head. Why were you only turning up now after weeks? Why had you materialised by him? Why were you here at all? You were finally free, free to do literally whatever you wanted, and you’d wound up by his side. There were millions and millions of places in the galaxy and somehow, his balcony was the one where you’d wanted to be. 

After showering and shaving, Obi-Wan found himself heading towards the classroom of the best Jedi he knew: Yoda. If anyone was going to know anything about Force ghosts, it was him. He’d have to make sure not to let slip exactly what he was talking about - your relationship with him was far more attached than the code allowed, after all - in a more general sense, he must have had something to offer. It wasn’t the kind of thing they taught in Jedi training. If anything, it was the opposite. The lesson was don’t become attached enough to someone so that they haunt you! - and it was one at which he’d failed quite miserably. 

‘Master Kenobi.’ Yoda sat in the middle of the classroom, meditating. He didn’t have to open his eyes to know who it was. ‘Of assistance, may I be?’

‘Good morning.’ Obi-Wan greeted him with a bow. ‘I have some questions, and I was hoping you might be able to help me.’

‘Do go on. Help, I might be able to.’

‘Right.’ He cleared his throat, awkwardly taking a seat beside him. ‘What do you know about Force ghosts?’

‘Lots. Specific, you must be.’

‘Say you had a dear friend, and they died.’ He began. ‘Then they came back a little while as a Force ghost.’

‘Come back, they don’t.’ Yoda opened one eye, glancing over at him. ‘Never gone, they were. The Force takes time to manifest.’ 

‘So...the ghost version of them is still them?’

‘Very much so.’ He said. ‘Why, there are many reasons. Many Jedi study for a long time to materialise as ghosts after passing.’

‘What if they didn’t?’

‘Then unfinished business, they have.’ He replied. ‘When a Jedi dies, their Force connections do too. If they are left unbroken, exist as a ghost they will.’

Well, that explained it. 

‘Right.’ He murmured. ‘Last question, I promise - how long does that connection usually last?’

‘Months to years, it may be.’ He explained. ‘On their unfinished business, the connection depends.’

‘That makes sense.’ Obi-Wan nodded. ‘Thank you, Master Yoda.’

The little green creature simply nodded in response, turning his attention back to his meditation. He didn’t ask questions -- what was the point? He’d been around hundreds of years, and dealt with hundreds of similar things in that time. Truth be told, he didn’t have all the answers. He was just good at acting like it. 

Obi-Wan pondered on the conversation for the rest of the day. 

 There were a lot of things that could have constituted your unfinished business. The list was endless, especially given how suddenly you’d passed. Nobody knew you better than Obi-Wan, but even he struggled to decipher it. You weren’t the sort of person who would hang around for no good reason. It had to be something important -- something so pressing that you quite literally couldn’t pass away in its entirety without dealing with it. Part of him was worried that he didn’t know at all; you were always sneaking about, always doing something that you shouldn’t have been. That left a long list of possibilities. 

But Yoda had directly mentioned Force connections, right? Maybe he’d meant it in a general way, but Obi would have been a complete dumb-ass to think that the Jedi didn’t know what was going on. If the situation didn’t tell him, his seeming ability to know everything about everyone certainly would have. You were the only person he could have possibly been talking about. 

It was something he knew he had to bring up, and so he made the mental promise to himself. The best time would have been that night, when he saw you again. If he saw you again. He trusted you to return. You knew better now than to disappear forever without saying goodbye. 

And he’d been right. That evening, after he’d exchanged goodbyes with Anakin, Obi-Wan found himself wandering out to the balcony. Sure enough, you were leant against the railings, back turned to him as you peered down at the city below. The air was cold again -- maybe because it was Winter, but also maybe because of you -- and the harsh winds blew back your hair. He wanted to reach out and feel it, to feel you, but he couldn’t. A man whose love language was physical touch was sure to suffer when the person he wanted most was a fucking entity.  

‘You’re late.’ You glanced over your shoulder at him. ‘Don’t your meetings normally end at six?’

‘Anakin wanted to talk about something.’ He replied. ‘So is this your life now? Waiting for me to come home?’

You snorted. ‘Don’t flatter yourself. I’ve been at the diner all day moving stuff around to confuse Dex.’

‘That’s mean.’

‘And what would you do if you were a Force ghost?’

Wait for you. Follow you.

‘Explore.’ He lied, leaning against the balcony beside you. ‘I spoke to Yoda today about...this.’ 

‘Mmm?’ 

‘He said that people who usually come back either purposefully prepared for it when they were still alive.’

‘Or?’

‘How do you know there’s an or?’

‘Because I sometimes struggled to turn on my lightsaber. You think I’m skilled enough to do this shit on purpose, Kenobi?’

‘You’re…’ brilliantly intelligent, easily the smartest person I know, ‘...clever. Don’t put yourself down.’

‘Just cut to the point.’

‘Right.’ Obi-Wan cleared his throat. ‘He said that, or that they had unfinished business. Force connections still strong enough to keep them here.’

‘So, you and me?’

‘What?’

‘Our Force connection.’ You said it as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. ‘You do know what we have one, right?’

‘I...I figured we were always just...close.’ 

‘No, you dipshit.’ You shook your head with a laugh. ‘They can develop between best friends. It’s a little rare, but we’re both so strong with the Force that it just happens naturally.’ 

‘That makes sense.’ he turned to look out at the city. ‘I didn’t really have a best friend before you.’ 

You looked over at him, a smile playing on your lips. ‘Yeah, me neither.’

--

Obi-Wan quickly fell into a routine, post-you. Not post-you completely, because he still saw you every evening, but that had helped push him towards the transition. He adjusted to only seeing you after work - not in the mornings or during the day or every waking second like it used to be. Nothing was how it used to be. Not even close. You were no longer beside him during meets or climbing into bed next to him when you had nightmares. There were no more missions with you or late nights filled with paperwork and laughter. 

That was the problem. 

You were here, but you weren’t really. The ghost he saw every night had your eyes and your laugh and your personality, but it wasn’t really you. Obi-Wan couldn’t touch you; he couldn’t feel you in the same way he used to. It was like having a conversation with a figment of his imagination -- conversations of false hope and plans that would never come to fruition. Because you could banter and you could laugh and you act like things weren’t completely fucking different, but they were. You were a ghost. A ghost of yourself, a ghost of the past, a ghost of what used to be. 

It had helped the pain at first. Eased the dread of knowing that you weren’t ever going to be back, not properly. Obi-Wan had appreciated that. It made grieving a lot easier when you were technically still there to tease and jester him through the process. Knowing that his friendship was the reason you couldn’t fully let go of existing had both made it better and worse. Better, because it meant you cared for him as deeply as he did for you. Worse, because it was so open-ended. At what point would you be satisfied enough to finally let go? Would he get to say goodbye, or would you just be here forever? 

That was the problem, Obi-Wan had come to find. 

He was hopelessly in love with you - though that much was obvious - and he couldn’t deal with only having some of you. He wanted all of you, or he wanted none of you. Only being able to talk to a blue apparition of you just wasn’t enough. It was just a constant reminder that the person he loved most in the universe was gone, and that he’d never fully have you. He was kicking himself for that one. What if he’d said something to you when you were still alive? Declared his love for when he could still physically reach out to you? 

That was the thought plaguing his mind every night. With you beside him, a cold aura radiating towards him as you sat with your legs hugged to your chest. It had been a few weeks since your first appearance, and your nights together ranged from deep conversations to comfortable silence. The latter was always worse, because Obi-Wan constantly found himself teetering on the edge of saying something. It was hard, because despite everything, he found you to be more enchanting and peaceful than ever. More entrancing. 

‘Can I tell you something?’ He asked. 

‘Sure thing.’ You peered over at him. ‘You look worried. Is it serious?’

He paused for a moment. ‘Depends how you take it, I suppose.’

‘Try me.’

‘There are…’ he faltered again. ‘There are some things I regret not telling you when you were still here.’

‘I am here.’ You reminded him. 

‘No, I know that.’ He found himself unable to look at you. ‘I mean when you were here here.’

‘What’s the difference, Obi?’

‘Remember when you used to come to my bedroom at 2AM because you’d had a bad dream?’ He asked. ‘Or when you’d throw yourself into my arms after we’d been separated on long missions?’

‘Yeah.’ 

He absent-mindedly reached a hand out towards you; it went straight through you, a rush of cold shooting down his arm. ‘I can’t do that anymore.’

‘You can still talk to me.’ You urged. ‘You can still be with me-’

‘- not in the way I want.’ Not in the way I need.

‘What do you mean?’ You gently pushed.

‘You don’t need me to explain it.’ He finally looked at you, blue eyes shrouded with an emotion you couldn’t quite decipher. 

‘Obi-Wan, what do you think has been keeping me here?’ You asked. 

You knew. Of course you fucking knew. Try as he might to be mysterious and suave, but you could read him like a book -- and it was a shock to you that he hadn’t seen your feelings either. They were clear as day to both of you, and yet it had been easier to ignore them for the sake of your friendship, and for the sake of the code. You both always figured that you could deal with them at a later date, because that’s when you’d had a later. 

‘Just say it.’ You murmured. ‘Say that you love me too and I’ll go-’

‘- I don’t want you to go.’ He cut you off. ‘Because then you’re gone forever.’

‘And then you can move on.’ You smiled. Neither of you knew that ghosts could cry until now. 

This was the closest he would ever get to having you now. He could have just sucked it up and dealt with it, and kept you by his side in your ominous form - but would that have been fair on you? To keep you around, just because he was so full of regret over things unsaid and so full of fear over grieving? None of this was fair, on him or on you.  

‘I can’t say it.’ Obi-Wan murmured. ‘Not yet.’

‘It’s okay.’ You gave him a watery smile. ‘I know.’

Neither of you said anything else - maybe you didn’t want to, or maybe you were scared to. The fact you’d finally acknowledged the bantha in the room after years, finally admitting that love had been the driving force behind what made your friendship so good, for so long. The irony was that when you’d died, he’d wanted nothing more than for you to come back in some form. Now, he realised that it was holding him back from moving on -- and he couldn’t do that until he’d let you go. But he couldn’t do that either. 

Unbeknownst to Obi-Wan, his words had been a confession. Albeit a thinly veiled one, but a confession nonetheless. It had confirmed to you the only thing you’d wanted to know before you’d passed: that he loved you back. That was all you needed. It was all you’d ever needed. 

Eventually, the Jedi beside you grew sleepy. That’s how it usually went every night -- you’d talk, he’d fall asleep beside you, and you’d cover him with a blanket and slip out to wherever it was that Force ghosts went at night. He never asked, for fear of it ruining the mystery. Obi-Wan knew that he wasn’t the only person you saw, but it was a nice thought, and one he didn’t want to taint. At least you took more mercy on him than you did with Dex, who slowly thought he was going insane at all the random objects suddenly being moved around. 

When you heard him gently snoring, you stood up. Obi-Wan looked peaceful, as though he’d finally gotten something of his chest - even though he hadn’t realised he’d done it. He hadn’t realised that it had been enough.  

You leant down beside him, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. For the first time since you’d appeared, you could finally feel his skin against yours - no cold jolts, no body parts suddenly disappearing through the other. Just your lips against his; warm and...human. 

‘Good night, Obi-Wan.’ You ran a hand through his hair, before standing up and stepping back. ‘I love you. I’ll always love you.’

He felt it. He was asleep, but he felt your lips on his and your hand in his hair, and he’d secretly smiled to himself, not entirely realising what was going on. He’d thought it was a dream, or that he was simply imagining that you could finally touch him as though you were a human, and no longer a cold, blue ghost. 

Because you weren’t. You were no longer a ghost.

Obi-Wan didn’t realise till he rose the next morning, a blanket tossed over him and the feeling of your lips still lingering on his, even hours later. He even dared to smile for a moment, before the knowledge of what he’d done hit him. He’d given you what you wanted - an unintentional confession of love. The thing you needed to finally cut off your Force connection. The only thing still tethering you to this world.

You were gone, but at least he’d finally gotten what he wanted. You. Even if it was only for a few moments.

[the-chosen-anakin]

Obi-Wan is depressed, alone, and grief-stricken, with death around every corner. He misses Anakin, the boy he once called brother; but maybe its not too late to tell him that. [AU - a sequel to "Sweet Insanity"]

Rating: T

Status: Complete

Part 2 of 2

[january-summers]

Do you think that there was some part, even a teeny, tiny part of Obi-Wan as he was walking through the temple, looking through the dead, that hoped he'd find Anakin's corpse, because he knew that as horrible as it would be, the other option, the one part of him feared to be true, the one he wanted to deny was an option, was infinitely worse?

[dameronology]

2) ‘you pushed me away’ w the love of my life??? if you make me cry valerie i will block u

2 - ‘you pushed me away’ + obi-wan kenobi

What did it mean to go on a break?

Was it something that two people did when they didn’t want to be together but were too scared to be apart? A half-arsed separation? Obi-Wan should have known, since he was the one who had suggested it. It had seemed like a good idea at the time: you’d both been arguing a lot, bickering and biting at one another everyday. He loved you with his whole heart but things had become exhausting - between political tensions and busy work schedules, you put your relationship on the back burner. It wasn’t over but it wasn’t...not over. 

And, as he watched you in a flirtatious exchange with another senator, he was kicking himself. Obi-Wan’s heart was practically pounding out of his rib-cage, almost as if it were trying to reach out and punch the man whose hand was hovering over yours. The giddy smile on your face was usually a look reserved for him, not whoever this nerfherder was. It brought out a territorial side of him -something so quintessentially un-Jedi. Then again, your whole relationship had been un-Jedi. It was a bit too late to start now. 

Might as well lean into it. 

‘Y/N!’ Obi-Wan called your name, floating through the gala. He was only here as a formality, really. 

‘Obi-Wan.’ You blinked in surprise. Had you even noticed him? Fucking ouch. 

‘I need a word with you.’ He stopped by your table, eyes practically shooting daggers at your new friend. Maker, if looks could kill. 

‘And may I ask what it may be about-’ the man went to talk, but Obi-Wan was quick to cut him off. 

‘You may not.’ He said. ‘It’s a private matter. A political one.’

‘I am a politician, Master Kenobi.’

‘Jared, leave it.’ You gave his hand a light squeeze, seeing right through your lover’s bullshit. 

It had been a few weeks since you and Obi-Wan had spoken. There was no agreed time frame on your break but you were getting the vibe that if it went on any longer, it would become a break-up. You hated not knowing, especially since he’d always been so good at communicating. Being in some kind of limbo land, torn between together and not together, was uncharacteristic for both of you. You had a feeling that it stemmed from the fear of what might happen if you did talk about it - would this state become permanent? 

Obi-Wan took your hand in his and practically dragged you out of the ballroom and into the hallway; the sound of your heels against the marble floors bounced off of the walls, filling the pained silence between you. He had some nerve. 

‘What is going on with you?’ You tore your hand away, stumbling slightly as he pulled you behind a pillar. 

‘I-’ He froze, realising he hadn’t entirely thought this through. ‘Who was that?’

You snorted. ‘Jared Knix. Corellian senator?’

‘He’s...’ Obi-Wan trailed off, eyes meeting yours. ‘He’s corrupt.’

‘I know!’ You said. ‘I was trying to get some information out of him.’

‘Oh.’ He furrowed his brow. ‘So you weren’t flirting with him?’

You could barely hide your amusement, stopping for a moment to let out a chortle of disbelief. ‘Christ no! The man looks like a tomato that was left in the sun for too long.’

‘He does.’ Obi-Wan chuckled. The moment only lasted briefly, however, because a scowl soon returned to your face.

‘What’s it to you, anyways?’ You said. 

‘Seeing you with another man isn’t easy.’ He admitted. ‘I know we never really discussed the terms of this break-’

‘- you pushed me away.’ You reminded him. ‘This whole break thing was your idea, Obi.’

‘I know.’ He ran a hand across his beard, thinking for a moment. 

He didn’t have many regrets - but this? This was one of them. The fact he had ever even considered a life without you seemed crazy to him. Waking up without you beside him for the last few weeks had been painful. There were so many times when he’d turned around to tell you something, or to run to your quarters to remind you of an inside joke, only to remember that you weren’t there. You weren’t gone you weren’t fucking there. A huge part of his life was suddenly missing and seeing it flirting with an old man was like a knife through his heart.

‘So what do you want?’ Your voice was quiet. ‘What are we doing?’

Obi-Wan sighed. ‘This whole thing is so childish. I love you and you love me - that’s what matters.’

‘So...’ you gave him a soft smile. ‘Truce?’

‘Truce.’

He placed his hands on your waist, pulling you towards him. Your lips met his, closing the gap between you in a passionate kiss. A large stone pillar was shielding you from the rest of the hallway - it also acted as a support when you fell back against it, the Jedi’s body pressing against yours. You had one hand tangled in his hair, the other clinging onto the fabric that covered his back. 

There was weeks worth of emotion in the kiss; it was enough to knock the air from lungs, making you wonder what the hell either of you had been thinking when you made the stupid arrangement weeks ago. At the time, you’d both been having a bad day. Taking a step back from the relationship had seemed like a good idea, so you couldn’t fault yourself. Bad decisions always seemed like good ones when you made them. Time was usually the best judge. 

You knew that you both still had stuff to talk through. The things you’d been arguing about weren’t just going to go away - but you had a new perspective. 

‘We still have stuff to talk about.’ You gently reminded him. ‘But no more of this break bullshit, right?’

‘Of course.’ Obi-Wan gave you a small smile. ‘I love you and I’m sorry for even suggesting it in the first place.’

‘It was a learning curve.’ You gave his shoulder a squeeze. ‘We should get back to the gala. I still have to flirt some information out of Knix.’

The Jedi could only let out a groan. 

(happy ending! i love u) 

[dameronology]

your voice is a gun {obi-wan}

'and i don’t pick up when you call, ‘cause your voice is a gun/every word is a bullet hole, shot a hole at the sun’ -  forgiveness, paramore

warnings: angst, language

enjoyyyy

- val xx 

p.s this has not been proof read cos i’m living life in the fast lane

One of the greatest things about humanity was its imperfections. 

That meant that they could do some really unclever shit - and Obi-Wan Kenobi was no stranger to that. Like every other human being, he felt a lot of things. He said a lot of things and did a lot of things. For the most part, he was calm and collected - other times, he managed to bat things right into the realm welp, I fucked up! 

Obi-Wan didn’t mean to say the thing (more on the thing in one moment). You’d both fallen into the trap of arguing; it was the sort of slippery slope that started with mostly valid bickering and ended with insults flying back and forth. He was spitting venom about your bad habits, and you’d managed to make a backhanded comment about his mother. Punches were being thrown left right and centre, tempers heated - mostly as a result of a bad day at work and much less because of one another - and it was only a matter of time before one of you tripped and fell past the point of no return. 

That’s when the thing happened. You know the kind of comment so treacherous and so awful that it felt like Satan himself had put the words in your mouth? Yeah, one of those. 

‘When you’re like this, it makes me wonder if all this sneaking around is worth it!’ Obi-Wan had not-so-wisely yelled. ‘It makes me wonder if you’re worth it!’

You both froze. You fucking froze. He wanted to reach out, to grab the words and swat them back into his mouth, right out the air and right out of your ears. Alas, they were gone, released out into the wild for you to hear. He was usually quite quick on his feet, good at solving problems as soon as they happened, but he had never felt so helpless. The bullet had left his gun and now, all he could do was wait for your reaction. 

Obi-Wan could have sworn that he saw you go through the seven stages of grief in the space of three seconds. Your eyes fell to the ground, mouth falling open and twitching slightly as you fought for something to say. What could you say? He’d gone lower than low. If this was a game of limbo, he would have won first place - and it felt as though he were hitting you over the head with the limbo stick. Repeatedly. 

‘I-’ Obi-Wan went to speak first, but you stuck your finger up to silence him. The audacity.

‘Say nothing.’ Your voice was a little shaky. 

He had taken the one thing you were terrified of and thrown it back in your face. How many times had you opened up to him about your fears? About your doubts that the fuss of sneaking around wasn’t worth it? You were both putting so much on the line to be together. Your jobs, your livelihoods, the very purpose you had sworn your lives too.

‘Darling, I-’

‘- I said don’t fucking say anything!’ Oop, there it was. 

It was though you had finally found your footing. The bullet had hit you - it had gone right through you, exit wound and wall - and all you could do was reel back with the sheer force of it. The one person you loved most in the galaxy, the one person who completely fucking cherished above anything else, had swept the rug out from under your feet. You’d opened up to him about your worst fear and he’d used them against you. 

‘Get out.’ You murmured.

‘I didn’t mean that.’ Obi-Wan tried to take a step towards you, hands reaching out to grab yours. You swatted them away. ‘You know I didn’t mean that-’

‘- maybe you’re right.’ You cut him off. ‘If we keep arguing like this, maybe sneaking around is more trouble than it’s worth.’

You both knew that was a fat fucking lie. Going behind the Council’s back and sneaking around was a small price to pay. It was something you worried about constantly, but the minute you melted into Obi-Wan’s arms or woke up beside him, all that doubt faded away. He was all you needed and you thanked your lucky stars everyday that you’d found him in such a vast galaxy. 

Then he had to go and say dumb shit like that. Well done, Kenobi.

‘You don’t mean that.’ Obi made another attempt to grab your hands. 

‘I just...’ you let his fingers briefly brush against yours before firmly placing them on his shoulders and physically pushing him away. ‘Get out.’

‘It was the heat of the moment.’ He was barely phased by your actions. ‘Please, be sensible-’

‘- you’re telling me to be sensible?’ You could hardly hide the humour in your voice. ‘Imagine if I took the one thing you were most scared of and thrust it back in your face!’

‘I can’t imagine it because I know that you would never do that.’ Obi-Wan admitted. 

‘And yet, you managed to.’ You spat. ‘You know where the door is.’

‘Darling, will you just listen to me-’ 

‘- so that you can hurt me again?’ You gave his shoulder another jab. ‘So that you can say something that will rip my fucking heart out?’ 

A sob escaped your throat, hands flying up to cover your mouth. It felt like you were drowning, like your worst fear was consuming you and dragging you under into an angry sea. Your mind was racing with thoughts - what would you do without him? How you could you cope? The galaxy was dark. Frankly, it was fucking horrible. You couldn’t do it without him. He couldn’t do it without you. 

Obi-Wan felt like his heart had been ripped out. Admittedly, he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to be hurt by a situation that he had caused but seeing you so upset made him want to cry along with you. He took a step forward, ready to cling onto you, ready to hold you and make it all better -

- but you pushed him away again. You stuck your hands out and you blocked him. You wrapped your arms around yourself and you turned our back away. Forget what had been said about pain earlier: this made that pain feel like a tickle. 

‘Go.’ Your voice was firm. ‘I don’t care where. Just go.’

So, he did. Obi-Wan got his cloak and he left. It was just him and his pity, wallowing and simmering as he endlessly floated around the halls of the Temple, nothing but his absolute fucking stupidity to keep him company. He could only hope and pray that you would come around in the next few hours - he wasn’t going to sleep other wise. 

Neither were you. You dragged yourself to bed, heart aching a little bit and your chest heavy. The worst part was that you couldn’t even remember how the argument had started. You hadn’t meant any of things you’d said, and nor had he. Why you felt such the intense need to attack the person you loved was beyond you - beyond both of you. Like I said: humans thrived on their imperfections. Other times, it was their fall from grace.

Obi-Wan could have gone back to his own room. He could have slept in his own cold bed and spent the entire night worrying about you - and letting you worry about him. He was suddenly hyper aware of the fact that his absence was your worst fear and leaving you alone was a catalyst to that very phobia. 

He didn’t know what to do. First and foremost, kicking himself seemed like a good idea. He’d spent so many years banging on at Anakin for not thinking before he spoke and yet, he couldn’t even manage it himself. He didn’t know how his Padawan had made it this far. He had a way of doing things that Obi-Wan could never quite grasp - but in a way, it was something he envied.

And so, the Jedi found himself asking an important question: what would Anakin do?

(God - he really was desperate, wasn’t he?)

Skywalker, Obi-Wan figured, probably would have done as he always did: as he pleased. He would have slipped back into bed with you, acknowledged your anger and then said tough shit, because I’m here now. Anakin’s logic would have been of the why are you shutting me out when you’re so scared of me leaving? variety. That made a lot of sense. 

Obi-Wan shivered at that thought. It made sense. 

So, he turned on his heel and he made his way straight back to your quarters. The door was still unlocked, as it had been when he’d left two hours previous. 

You were curled up in the corner of your bed, one his cloaks covering you and the sheets tangled over your forms. The fact that you’d cried yourself to sleep over him felt like a punch to the gut. He’d hurt you and he’d hurt himself. The latter part couldn’t have mattered less but frankly, he probably deserved it. 

Obi-Wan quietly kicked off his boots, clambering into bed beside you. His side of the mattress was cold - almost refreshingly so - and a horrible reminder of the very absence that you had demanded. He held his breath for a moment, half expecting you to turn around and sock him around the jaw.

‘You are worth it.’ He laid behind you, words soft as you form stirred slightly. ‘Every close call, every stolen kiss and every moment of panic is worth it because it brings me closer to you.’

‘Don’t be shy.’ You whispered. ‘Say some more.’

It was working. You were coming back to him. 

‘I’ve never doubted you for a second.’ He slid an arm underneath you, pulling you towards him so that your back collided with his chest. ‘I love you more than anything in the world and I never meant to hurt you. I know you told me to leave but I’m not going to do the very thing that scared you in the first place.’

You shuffled around to face him - his heart broke all over again at the sight of your puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks. 

‘Bold move, Kenobi.’ You murmured, voice bleary with sleep. ‘But I don’t want to fight with you. I’ve said some dumb shit and you’ve said some dumb shit.’

‘The dumbest.’

You leant up, gently brushing your lips against his. ‘It’s not so much what you said - it was just the thoughts it triggered. Everything feels so fragile and the idea of us being more trouble than it’s worth is really fucking painful.’

‘I know.’ He nodded. ‘But you’re worth all the trouble in the world and then some.’

You gave him a soft smile. ‘I love you. You’re an idiot but I love you.’

‘I love you too.’ He replied. ‘And I’m going to prove it you, I swear.’

{tags: @cherieboba​ @likeshootingstarsinthenightsky​ @aty-cgca7​ @corellians-only​ @highlycommendable​ @saintlaurentkenobi​}

[dameronology]

things we lost in the fire {obi-wan x reader}

summary: on a slow morning in tatooine, you and obi-wan reflect on how lucky you are to still have each other 

warnings: swearing, angst, mentions of death 

another obi fic based on a bastille song?? more likely than you think!! but i swear, despite, all the warnings, this isn’t going to rip your heart out completely 

enjoy,

- val xx

Things had never been darker.

The stars still shone at night, silvers and steels and greys against the canvas of the midnight sky. The sun still came up everyday - doubly so on Tatooine. You woke up every morning to the twin suns blaring down on your new home, illuminating the place with a hauntingly golden glow. For a place that seemed to be so fundamentally built on black and white beliefs - good and bad, right and wrong, light and dark - the world seemed too bright. 

The stars shone at night. The sun still came up every day. The world seemed bright - but things had never seemed darker. 

You missed the life you had - no, you didn’t just miss it. You yearned for it. You ached for it. You wanted to wake up one of these particularly hot Tatooine mornings to find everything was just a dream; that Anakin was alive, that Padme was alive, that you still had a temple to come home to. Everything you’d ever loved had been thrown into the fiery pits of Mustafar, left to burn and turn to ash. 

Well, not everything.

You still had Obi-Wan Kenobi and you thanked the stars everyday for it. 

It was clear that he was hurting too - there was always a tinge of pain in his sarcastic quips, a sense of tiredness in his eyes whenever they creased with laughter. He was doing it for you, staying strong for you. He was holding you both up - after all, helping people was all he knew. Even when he’d lost everything, that didn’t change. 

Searching for positives was hard and after desperately seeking, you’d found a few. 

You were no longer sneaking around, so you could walk hand-in-hand through the winding streets of your local market together. You could lay-in every morning, not worried about meetings or missions or operations. The pressure to be a good Jedi was off and now you could just be together. It wasn’t much - but at the same time, it was everything.

It was a warm morning on Tatooine; the suns were high in the sky, even though it was barely 7AM. You were sprawled out on your mattress, sheets tangled in your legs from where you’d kicked them off in the night. The sunlight was streaming through the cracks in the curtains, showering you in a warm glow as you lazily stretched. You rolled over on your side, eyes falling on the half-awake man next to you.

Obi-Wan’s eyes were vacantly staring at the ceilings, lids heavy with post-sleep tiredness. Having sensed that you were awake, he lazily reached a hand out towards you, covering yours where it was splayed out on the mattress. You tangled your fingers with his, lighting squeezing his hand. 

‘You’re thinking about him, aren’t you?’ You quietly murmured. 

‘Always.’ He whispered back. 

You felt that - you really felt that. Anakin was always on your mind; not Darth Vader, not the twisted, dark person he’d become. Anakin. The cocky Jedi, the one who you’d called your best friend for years. He hadn’t died in the physical sense but emotionally and mentally, he was long gone. He’d gone insane trying to protect the woman he loved and he wasn’t coming back. 

You didn’t necessarily understand. You never could, but you were able resonate with his innate desire to stop at nothing for Padme. You would have crossed the galaxy ten times over and back to protect the man you loved. The panic you felt in the moments after Order 66, not knowing if Obi-Wan had survived was going to stick with you for a long time. 

The way you held each other, after colliding into one another in the middle of a jet? The way you cried, relief washing over you despite the fact that every you’d ever known was gone? That’s when you knew that you were never going to stray away from him again. Everything you’d argued about, everything you’d ever worried about or bickered about suddenly seemed so menial. It was the peak definition of not knowing what you had until you’d almost lost it.

But you hadn’t lost him - you’d got lucky. He’d got lucky too. 

‘I miss him too.’ You said. You softly brushed a few strands of hair out of his face, your free hand still holding his. ‘And I hate to say it, but there’s nothing we can do.’

You hated having to be the voice of reason - that had always been Obi-Wan’s job. It felt like a bit of a dick move to remind him that you could never return to your former life, but reality was harsh. It was a goddamned bitch. The acceptance of the situation had hit you like a ton of bricks and you couldn’t make it any easier for Obi-Wan. You wished that you could; that you could take his pain away and turn it into something better. All you could do was guide him through it in the same way he’d done for you every time that you’d been hurting throughout the years. 

‘I know.’ Obi-Wan finally turned to look at you, a forced smile playing on his lips. ‘I can’t help but think would what have happened if-’

‘- don’t think about the ifs.’ You cut him off. ‘Try as you might but you can’t change the past.’

‘I wish I could.’

You leant forward, pressing a kiss to his cheek. ‘I know.’

With that, you shuffled out of bed, reaching down to grab a shirt. You pulled it over your head and slipped on your shoes, peaking over your shoulder at him as you did. You tried to give him a reassuring smile, but it faltered slightly. 

For once, you were trying to be the strong one. He had been your driving force for so long, the reason that you’d got out of bed in the morning. If you hadn’t had him after everything that had happened? You didn’t know where you’d be. You probably owed it to him to take the weight of everything for once.

‘I’m gonna go make some caff.’ You said.

‘I’ll be out in a moment.’

You stood up, the footsteps of your unlaced boots echoing off the walls as you headed through to the kitchen. Your dwelling was humble; big enough for both of you (and more, if that was what the future held). It felt like home for no other reason than the fact Obi-Wan was there with you. 

After assembling a semi-decent cup of caff, you kicked open your front door and headed outside. There was a small bench at the front of the house, overlooking the village ahead. The early morning sun was beating down on you, the air fresh and untainted. The day felt new - full of hope, despite everything. 

Pulling your knees up to your chest, you cupped the warm drink between your hands. The road ahead of you was still empty - most people around here were older, retired or out of employment. They didn’t rise until much later in the morning - you wished you were capable of that, but years as a Jedi had drilled early starts into your system. 

‘I don’t always think about the past.’

The sound of Obi-Wan’s voice announced his present. 

‘Yeah?’ You replied, tilting your head to face him. He was stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame. He had a cup of caff in one hand and a book in the other. ‘So what do you think about?’

‘You.’ 

Tossing the book to the doorstep with a dusty thump, the Jedi moved to take a set next to you. He reached his arm out towards you and without having to say anything, you dropped your feet to the floor and fell into his side. He pressed a kiss to your temple, hand gently carding through your hair. 

It was so domestic - so simple, so suburban and ordinary. But, behind your small gestures of affection and words of love, there were galaxies of grief. The place you were now might have seemed peaceful and quiet but the journey to get there had been anything but. Between you, you’d experienced enough loss and enough pain to last ten lifetimes. 

‘That’s a grand statement.’ You shot back.

‘A grand statement for a grand person.’

‘Oh, you always have been a sweet talker.’ You chuckled. 

‘I mean it.’ He replied. ‘I don’t say often enough how grateful I am for you.’

You peered up at him, a small sigh escaping your lips. ‘You don’t have to.’

‘I should though.’

‘And so should I.’ You shot back. ‘You have done everything for me since the day we met, Obi. I owe you so much-’

‘- you don’t owe me anything, darling.’ He softly murmured. ‘Simply staying by my side has put me in a lifetime of debt.’

You almost laughed at the thought of doing anything else. Staying with Obi-Wan had never even been a question - you were already packing your bags before he could even finish saying I’m moving to Tatooine. Neither of you had any idea where you were going, nor what you were doing. But, just like everything else, you were going to figure it out together. 

‘We’ll call it even.’ You leant up to kiss him, lips brushing against his.

‘I talk about what I’ve lost.’ He murmured, forehead resting on yours. ‘Anakin, Padme, the Jedi.’

That was the first time he’d said his name his everything had happened. It hurt - maker, it hurt - but the proud look on your face when it happened was almost enough to make it worth it. 

‘But I never talk about what I still have.’ He added. ‘You.’

‘You don’t need to talk about it.’ You shook your head. ‘I know the feeling.’

‘You do?’

‘Of course.’ You replied. ‘I think about that day all the time and all I can remember is that you were my first concern. I could only focus on finding you, on making sure that you were okay.’

‘You mean everything to me.’ Obi-Wan admitted. ‘You always have but even more so now.’

He hadn’t mean to become attached to you, even less so to indulge his addiction. Years ago, when you were both still sworn to a code, it had been hard. Choosing you over the very Order that he’d committed has life too had been a struggle - but now? He’d never been more grateful that he’d chosen you. 

‘It’s the same for you.’ You offered him a watery smile. ‘Guess we’re kinda stuck together, huh?’

‘Even if you strayed to the other side of the galaxy, we still have a Force connection.’ He reminded you. ‘So yes - I suppose we are stuck together.’

Obi-Wan was your backbone; the glue that held you together these days. It was easy to look at him as though he hung the stars in the sky - and as far as you were concerned, he did. You were living in dark times but he felt like the light at the end of the tunnel.

And, little did you know, but he felt the same. Having you by his side meant more to you than you’d ever realised. There was one specific second on the day of Order 66 that he held onto: the moment you met again, the moment that you tossed yourself towards him, not caring about whether or not he was going to catch you. That was when, despite everything, that he felt like things were going to be okay. 

The stars still shone at night. The sun still came up everyday. It felt like you were the reason why. 

tags: @cherieboba​ @valkyriesandbrokenhalos​ @cptnrex501​ @thespareoom​